Like the rest of America's downtrodden, New York Knick fans cast their hopes into a transparent contraption full of marked ping-pong balls on the evening of May 20th.
As we all know, the balls were not kind to them.
With the most exciting lead-guard prospects likely to be long gone before Donnie Walsh gets his turn in the orgy, Gregg Popabitch and I are gonna shoot the shit about some names associated with the Knickerbockers and their *blech* sixth overall selection.
O.J. Mayo (G) - USC, Fr.
Ron Mexico: I just think people were afraid of him because his name is "O.J."
After that Simpson nigga destroyed the surname, I'd rather be known as "Ovinton J'Anthony." (wtf?) Definitely the best offensive talent available after Beasley and Rose are off the board. He might go second! A serious Kwanzaa miracle would have to occur for Mayo to be around at #6. We could call it Miracle on 125th Street. Underrated defensive player. Potential to be D'Antoni's perfect weapon.
Warning: He's not the "engine." (Pop has a Spanish engine plan for next lottery.) I also don't know where he got the money for that car on the SLAM cover.
Gregg Popabitch: Think a more polished and athletic Jam al Crawford.
Even if Walsh is watching his weight, he still won’t “pass on the mayo”. Terrible puns aside, when it comes to pure basketball talent, he is in the same tier as Rose and Beasley. He knows how to play with the pill like clubbers, shoot like the fiends, and drop dimes like runners. Considering his NCAA violations, I wouldn’t be surprised if he did any of those things. Despite all that, dude is an offensive talent and can scrap on defense too. He should be gone by the third pick but there could be a miracle if some teams don’t like his baggage or he doesn’t fit a need.
Popabitch’s Verdict: Want, need, and willing to trade up for.
Jerryd Bayless (G) - Arizona, Fr.
RM: There's our little caramel engine that could. Perez Hilton spotted him in the mall wearing a green and yellow promise ring, but there's some hope he could fall to #6. Minnesota and Memphis could do some crazy shit, selecting Brook Lopez and Kevin Love, respectively. This is also the only scenario for acquiring Mayo, provided Seattle does some crazy shit and passes on him. Bayless shows no fear going to the basket and has the floor vision to be the engine, even as a "combo guard."
His mentor is Steve Nash. His game is reminiscent of Deron Williams. He is your greatest case against trading down in the draft.
GP: Think a poor man’s Gilbert Arenas.
What the hell is Lute Olson feeding his guards? Arizona is a lead guard factory: Damon Stoudamire, Mike Bibby, Gilbert Arenas, and now Bayless. The man is athletic as hell and his range starts as soon as he enters the gym. He might go off in D’Antoni’s system. Only reason I’m not fiending to grab him is because I’m a huge fan of Ricky Rubio and Brandon Jennings (Surprise! He’ll be a freshman at the University of Arizona next year). Both will be available in next year’s draft. I also wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. That’s right. He’s not a gift horse of the Eight Belles caliber. Haha. What? Too soon?
Popabitch’s Verdict: Want and need.
Brook Lopez (C) - Stanford, So.
GP: Think a very poor man’s Brad Daugherty.
I don’t want this hippie. Any player that is described as a "very poor man’s" anything should be avoided like bitches with multiple cold sores. He can score pretty well and he’s a pretty solid rebounder but I might be more athletic than him. Knicks have enough unathletic big men that need the ball. Plus his first name can pass as a woman’s. No fucking thank you.
Popabitch’s Verdict: Don’t want, don’t need, and will dig a ditch to bury myself in soon after if drafted by the Knicks.
RM: Do not draft this doofbucket #6 overall. That is all.
Danilo Gallinari (F/G) - Italy
GP: Think Toni Kukoc.
Dude’s name sounds like an entree at the Olive Garden, but dude can ball. He can shoot, create his own shot, and has the potential to be a point forward in the NBA. That hole at SF is a glaring one for the Knicks and he could definitely fit into D’Antoni's style of play. One glaring weakness is that he doesn’t play very good defense. So he’d probably fit right in.
Popabitch’s Verdict: Need but not necessarily want.
RM: See: Brook Lopez. Oh, I'm kidding, Luigi. He's not nearly as doofy. He's more like a doofbasket. I do see some talent in the one YouTube tribute he's got circulating out there.
He did put in an All-Star First Team season in a very competitive league for Armani Jeans Milano. That's pretty impressive. I'm sure Jerry Colangelo agrees.
If one more writer refers to him as an "Italian LeBron," I might go O.J. Mayo on a nigga. I haven't figured out what that would entail yet, but damn. LeBron's got 50 pounds of muscle over this box of linguine... and another 200 pounds of talent. I've even heard the "N"-word thrown around (Nowitzki).
Kevin Love (F/C) - UCLA, Fr.
RM: Some might consider Love a David Lee-type with a better all-around game. I'll fill you in on a secret. They make that comparison because they're both white. He's a bit lumbersome on the run. I know Love can shoot, actually hustles on the block and won't be a black hole on offense, but... Alright, I could live with Donnie selecting him. But only if he's moving one of the Klump Brothers and, of course, neither Mayo nor Bayless is available.
GP: Think a taller Carlos Boozer.
Yeah, that’s right. I might be the first analyst in NBA Draft history ever to compare a white man to a black man. Not since the days of “Pistol” Pete Maravich and Jason “White Chocolate” Williams have we seen such a thing as this. We are breaking barriers here at TheProudFranchise.com. Love is a beast inside, can rebound extremely well, can pass extremely well, and can’t play defense worth a French Lick. (Like what I did there?) I think "a shorter Bill Walton with less defense,” but in this situation, you wouldn’t be comparing him to a black guy. Where’s the fun in that?
Would love to have him in a Knick uniform but we already seem to have a glut at big man. A "glut" is a good way to describe Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph in that they both practice gluttony on a regular basis. I hate them.
Popabitch’s Verdict: Want but don’t need.
Russell Westbrook (G) - UCLA, So.
RM: I think Westbrook is a great look if they trade down to #11 or so. #6 overall is way too high for a kid who can't shoot and whose lapses of judgment may not exactly be what Coach D'Antoni is looking for. Yes, he's a lockdown defender. He can run and jump. He'd do incredible things on the AND1 Tour. No one can teach him how to find the open man when he's unwisely trying to host his Garden Tea Parties.
Best Case Scenario: Rajon Rondo. Worst Case Scenario: Smush Parker. I don't think the risk/reward on this guy is sufficient for going so high.
Eric Gordon (G) - Indiana, Fr.
RM: I wouldn't mind seeing this guy waste away in a Knick uniform. A month before the NCAA tournament Gordon was widely considered a top-3 collegiate player. After a turblent season he reveals that he'd been playing with a fractured right wrist. Playing hurt through the septic tank explosion of a season that was his freshman campain at Indiana speaks volumes about the kid's drive. I can't speak for his integrity, though.
With our luck he'd get drafted by the Knicks and walk up to the podium wearing a Pacers cap.
GP: Think a bigger and more athletic Ben Gordon.
He can shoot and is crazy athletic in that he's really strong and has ups. However he doesn’t drive enough and tends to fall in love with his jump shot. The jumper comment describes all the backcourt players on the Knicks (and some of the frontcourt guys). Also, anytime I compare someone to Ben Gordon, I’m probably not that impressed.
Popabitch’s Verdict: Don’t want and don’t need.
D.J. Augustin (G) - Texas, So.
GP: Think Damon Stoudamire.
Man can play the fuck out of the point but there’s a 67% chance that I might be taller than him. Muggsy Bogues could probably post Augustin up. Verne Troyer might look normal when standing next to dude. When you ask a friend to lend you money and he says “I’m a little short,” your friend might be D.J. Augustin.
Thank you people, I’ll be here all night.
Popabitch’s Verdict: Need but don’t really want.
RM: I know he's a little vertically challenged, but I've been watching this kid like the new guy in the prison shower. Well not that closely, but I know Augsutin can run a show. The Katrina survivor's not gonna bring New York a dunk contest championship, but he's definitely gonna dime it off to the open man on the break. Much like undersized and acronym-named Longhorn PG of the past, T.J. Ford, Augustin puts his diminutive frame on the line nightly and goes to the rack as hard as a player twice his size (say, Derrick Rose).
P.S.: His jumper's much better than Ford's. P.S.S.: He and Chris Paul are about the same size.
Anthony Randolph (F) - LSU, Fr.
GP: Think Lamar Odom.
This kid can do a lot of things with the basketball. But he’s way too skinny. His intinerary need to include an entire month of dinner at Outback Steakhouse with Carnie Wilson.
Popabitch’s Verdict: Need but will only want if he hires Victor Conte as his nutritionist.
RM: I don't see Chris Bosh in this kid. I see Stromile Swift Tyrus Thomas. I do agree with the analysts who envision the other Randolph playing a Shawn Marion type of role in Coach D's framework.
Joe Alexander (F) - West Virginia , Ju.
RM: This is the guy that makes me wish we were picking a few spots lower and moving a contract to do so. How often do you find a shooter that's also a hustler? I'll wait. Sure, they exist, but it's not so easy to dig one out. You'd be digging all the way to Chi--
Eh. Pop, take it away.
GP: Think Tom Chambers.
Knicks have no real small forwards at this point unless you really believe in Wilson Chandler, which Ronnie does. Alexander is a small forward that is athletic as fucking hell, long, can shoot, play defense, and works hard. Plus he’s fluent in Mandarin so you know he can get his hands on some good Asian poontang. It’d be hilarious to walk through Chinatown and by happenstance catch Joe Alexander walking into a massage parlour. It’d be more hilarious to see Stephon Marbury following in after him. It’d be most hilarious to see Chinese interns popping up at MSG. You know where this is going...
Popabitch’s verdict: Want and need.
Editor's Note: Underclass forward-centers DeAndre Jordan (Texas A&M, Fr.) and Marreese Speights (Florida, So.) are potential trade-down targets should Donnie Walsh find a taker. DeAndre Jordan is not Dwight Howard. Stop that shit. I can smell Michael Sweetney/Ike Diogu all over this Speights guy.
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