Three the Hard Way II: Rise of the Sexual Predator

Before we discuss the New York Knicks' three-game win streak, we'd like to report a recent nationwide Amber Alert for this youngster:

His name is Timofey Mozgov. Born: July, 16 1986. Age: 25. Last seen: Los Angeles, California, United States. He answers to "Timmy," "Tina Fey," "Moz," "Drago" and "Boris." He loves basketball and is usually seen wearing a New York Knicks jersey, as they are his favorite team. Please call your local authorities if you see him.

We're also on the lookout for the man believed to be involved in his disappearance:

Footage from a recent attack has surfaced and gives reason to believe that Blake Griffin (above) may have absconded with little Timofey shortly after this weekend's contest between the Los Angeles Clippers and the missing child's beloved Knicks.

Griffin had been seen fondling youngsters in blue shirts all night long. The forced fellatio he put onto poor Timofey was only the night's second assault. Security cameras caught Griffin taunting Mozgov earlier in the evening by rubbing his genitals across the back of the poor, terrified boy's neck. He later attempted to put the old Fleece Johnson to Danilo Gallinari, who is entirely too pretty for this prison shit.

The Knicks have greatly decreased emphasis on the pick-and-roll attack over the past handful of games, opting instead to run a motion offense that better suits the many slashers on New York's roster. The offense has looked more fluid as a result, and we no longer have to watch Raymond Felton try to emulate Steve Nash in the All-Star Weekend Skills Challenge. Instead, he can drive and kick, or use his newfound long-range stroke to create opportunities for cutters. This is a much better look for The Proud Ones. Hopefully the Knicks can look as good against a non-lottery-bound opponent.

The Knicks legged out a tough one against a David Lee-less Golden State Warrior team, exacting revenge for the ugly loss on the Madison Square Garden floor. With Lee out, Golden State was unable to control the glass, which appeared to be key to the weakly-defended, shoot 'em up you've come to expect from these two teams.

On the heels of a heartbreaking defeat in Denver--where Kobe would normally just take that ass--the Knicks seemed to carry positives over into their matchup against the Sacremento Kings, which got the mini-snowball of victories started. Gilbert Subpoenas covered the contest for us and wanted you to know the following:

-Finally, the Knicks have won a basketball game! Exciting times! Unfortunately, it was to a team that is younger than they are and, because of that, makes more mistakes at the end of games than they do. Whatever. At this point, I'll take whatever I can get.

-I'm now officially excited for Demarcus Cousins' potential. Not his potential as a basketball player, but his potential as a basketcase that will give us boatloads of hilarity because he cannot control emotions, like a freshman cheerleader that got dumped at homecoming but has Carrie-like special powers crossed with Drew Barrymore in Firestarter crossed with the unpredictability of Riggs in the first couple of Lethal Weapon movies. Holy cow, the reactions Cousins' has after calls made against him were TREMENDOUS! If he was a normal human, the refs would've dropped tech bombs all over him. However, there is a fear factor in play here. I think the refs are legimately afraid that he'll go off the deep end if they T him up and could end up in a body bag. Everytime the Kings are a visiting team, that city should be on orange alert. The governments in those cities should advise people to stay at home and to wait for further instructions. Seriously. Cousins combines the potential for numerous outbursts of Rasheed Wallace, the insanity of Ron Artest off of his meds, the Latrell Spreewell-like potential of harming the people around him, the ability to deliver a damaging clothesline like Bill Laimbeer, and the emotional instability of Rose McGowan at the end of "Jawbreakers" when everyone finds out that she was the one who killed her friend at the Prom. I know this sounds sadistic but I really can't wait for him to go off.

-It feels good when there is another team worse at the end of games than the Knicks. I feel like Tyreke Evans and Cousins channel their inner Knickerbocker in the last four minutes of the basketball games. Also, Beno Udrih shattered any stereotype of Euros having high basketball IQs when he threw up one of the ugliest airballs I've ever seen at about the 5-minute mark of the 4th quarter. He's kinda like Shannon Elizabeth in the American Pie movies--a good looking Euro but really, there's nothing to build anything on.

-Toney Douglas is officially a shorter, streakier, and not as good version of John Starks. That doesn't bode well for his future.

-Anthony Randolph officially did not play last night. This is both a good and bad thing. Good because I don't have to pull any of my hair out while watching him trying to make plays that my immigrant cousin who doesn't know how to dribble the ball wouldn't even fathom to attempt. Bad because his trade value is at an all-time low. He was supposed to be someone we could add to a trade for a prime-time baller. Do you remember Rachel Leigh Cook in "She's All That?" She played this nerdy bookworm that some start high school football player (I hate Freddie Prinze, Jr.) helped to fulfill her potential as a fine-ass chick after a bet he made with some of his boys? Well, I get the feeling that Randolph is always going to be that nerdy bookworm. Every team that he will play for is going to try to bring out the fine-ass Rachel Leigh Cook in him, but that will never happen--because he's not smart enough to be a nerdy bookworm. And as you can see, I'm trying to set the record for most White girl from teenage movie metaphors used in a blog post.

-Raymond Felton is the fat girl in every high school movie.

-Tyreke Evans is such a clever basketball player. He plays the game with a nice pace and he is so strong going to the hoop. Unfortunately, he demands to play point guard when he's actually an off guard because he wants to have the ball in his hands as much as possible. The Kings barely had any good ball movement last night. He's kinda like Reese Witherspoon's character in "Election" in that he's going to get his no matter what and he'll undermine anyone willing to get in his way. I wonder if Cousins is going to be like Matthew Broderick in that movie. That would be a sight to behold.

As for you, be sure to tune in tonight to see if Felton can hold off his former team.

Also, seriously... Let us know if you find little Timofey. Cases like these usually go cold after the first 36 hours.

(Return to The Proud Franchise)