Faux-Star Weekend Festivities

NBA All-Star Saturday Night is the biggest event of any All-Star game in any of the 4 major sports, in my opinion. I may be biased, but the H-O-R-S-E Contest, Skills Competition, 3 Point Shootout, and the Slam Dunk Contest are the best events any of the 4 major sports have to offer in their respective all star festivities.

I will recap the evening:

Instituting the H-O-R-S-E. Contest was a brilliant idea. I first heard about it 6 years ago when Bill Simmons brought up the notion of adding H-O-R-S-E to liven up the Saturday Night festivities. This year's competitors were Kevin Durant, Omri Casspi, and Rajon Rondo.

Rondo?  When did he become a trick shot champion? Can he even hit a jump shot? Casspi? Really? I thought Durant would roll through this pretty easily. He more or less did. Omri (or, as Charles Barkley would like to call him, "Omar"*) had his own little cheering section of Israelites in the stands. How cute. I'm sure Osama Bin Laden just killed his right hand man for not thinking of that spot in the stands as a potential terror target. And because of this blog, the country is now in an amber alert.

Anyways, Casspi was pitiful. Rondo was actually somewhat impressive. I think I've seen him hit more three pointers in this contest than I have throughout his whole career. He also had a couple of nice trick shots. But in the end, Durant won in a shootout because the contest was running too long. After Rondo's initial valiant effort, he suddenly remembered "Hey, I'm a terrible shooter!"

The NBA needs to get some interesting guys into H-O-R-S-E contest next year. One guy I feel they should definitely try to get for this is Kevin Love. I've heard legendary things about his ability to make trick shots. My nominee would be somewhat of a longshot, but bear with me: Gilbert Arenas. C'mon. Tell me you wouldn't find this interesting. This is the same guy who challenged Deshawn Stevenson to a 3-point shootout with one caveat: Gilbert could only shoot with one hand. I doubt this happens though.

Ahhh, The Shooting Stars. I really don't care about this event. It is terrible idea altogether. They really should abolish it. I'm surprised David Stern hasn't killed everyone associated with adding this event to All-Star Saturday Night yet. I don't even know who won because I went into an alcoholic binge coma as it took place.

The Skills Competition is another borefest. Seriously, who thought of these crappy events? Shooting Stars and the Skills Competition? Can we add a WNBA Scrum** event as well? 

I bet on Danilo Gallinari to take the 3-point Shootout event since he had 15:4 odds of winning. Naturally, he shit a brick. I was convinced Stephen Curry was going to run away with the event as soon as I saw him shoot. But surprisingly, both he and Chauncey Billups were inconsistent in the finals as Paul Pierce came away the victor. He's an odd 3-point champion if you ask me. Unfortunately, this was the most exciting event of the night. 

The Slam Dunk Contest sucked. Everyone swore by Shannon Brown before the event, but he was unimpressive. Gerald Wallace probably would've gotten whacked by one of Stern's snipers for the embarrassing display of dunking if he weren't playing in the All-Star Game the next day. His death would've aroused suspicion. DeMar Derozan continued his blahze dunks that started during the Friday night's Dunk-In. Nate Robinson seemed like the only participant who cared, but even he was okay at best and won by default. Seriously, this event needs LeBron James to inject some energy into it after this year's performance. Even Nate recognized how bad the Dunk Contest was this year and retired from the event immediately after winning. James needs to stop selling out and sign up next year.

Overall, one of the most exciting nights in sports was sub-par at best. There was literally no energy in the crowd, it seemed like--even during the Dunk Contest, which should be the most exciting event of the night. In fact, the most exciting dunks of the night happened during the All-Star Game itself. Sad.

*-It'd be pretty sick if Barkley called him Omar in reference to Omar Little from "The Wire." There's some semblance of gangster in Casspi, as seen when he dunked on Gallo twice during the Rookie Challenge. There is also no doubt that Casspi is homosexual. Somewhere, John Amaechi is really excited. Pun intended.

**- Wait, I thought the WNBA already classified as rugby. You mean to tell me that it doesn't?! Oh wait, you meant "F'ugly." You can see how I made that mistake, right?

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[inceriunk]

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