The Proud Franchise

Knicks Can't Even Tank Properly

[By Gregg Popabitch, TPF Senior Writer]

The Boston Celtics knew what was up around this time last year.

Before yesterday's exhilarating 116-104 loss to the Atlanta Hawks, the past week was troublesome for me. Let's take a look at what happened:

-Sunday, April 6th, 100-90 win over the Orlando Magic
-Tuesday, April 8th, 98-94 win over the Detroit Pistons
-Wednesday, April 9th, 109-107 win over the Charlotte Bobcats

Now I know what you're thinking: "What's wrong with this picture? The Knicks have won 3 in a row!!! When was the last time this happened?!?! You should be ecstatic."

I would be ecstatic if it meant the Knicks were guaranteed a top 5 pick. However, at this very moment, our once proud franchise is currently only a half game up on the Los Angeles Clippers in the race of the 5th worst record in the NBA.

Well, let's look at the bright side. The Clippers can't tank correctly either. They let Elton Brand come back and now he's been playing like a man that wants a new contract.....because in the offseason, he's going to want a new contract.

 

However, not even the great Elton Brand can help the Clippers (Who are we kidding? We ARE talking about the Los Angeles fucking Clippers) as they are losers of 15 of their last 17 games. They have tanking down to a science and even worse, their schedule for their last three games are all away games at Golden State, New Orleans, and Houston respectively.

On the other hand the Knicks have a game at home against Boston, who are looking to rest most of their regulars with home court advantage locked up, and a game against a beatable Indiana Pacers team. New president Donnie Walsh must be pulling out whatever remaining strands of hair he has left on his scalp knowing that Derrick Rose, Michael Beastley, Jerryd Bayless, and O.J. Mayo could be out of his grasp. I'm sure David Stern can't believe it either.

Just when things were starting to look bright, our Knickerbockers find a way to fail us yet again. When we want them to win, they lose. When we want them to lose, they win.

This team hates me. This team hates us. This team can't help but torture us.

Donnie, if you are a decent human being, you'll tell these guys the right way to tank. Tell Isiah he can have the front office job he's begging for if he loses the next two games. Tell Dolan to get his band to play at halftime to lower morale. Offer up some intern love to Zach Randolph. Play this instructional video on how to tank correctly:

Whatever you do, just do something....please. I beg of you.

-Gregg Popabitch

Labels: boston celtics, david stern, derrick rose, donnie walsh, elton brand, isiah thomas, james dolan, jerryd bayless, michael beasley, nba draft, o.j. mayo, tank girl, zach randolph

A People's History of Suffering

New York magazine has a step-by-step booklet as good as any "[blank] For Dummies" regarding the New York Knicks' perpetual embarrassment. "Absolutely, Positively the Worst Team in the History of Professional Sports" is Jeff Koplon's 7-page tirade on the most recent stage of the once-proud franchise's descent due to cancer of the heart, brain and testicles. The shit is brain food for any confused Knick observer.

In other words, if you don't quite understand why we're so pissed here, "Mr. Koplon's Opus" will provide some solid background.

Long live the hate!

Good work, Jeff. The Knicker Lovers here at TPF salute you.

(Did I link that shit enough times for you, homie?)

Labels: jeff koplon, new york magazine